An argument with myself.

Today was fast Sunday. I got up early today in an effort to get to church on time. With Barb gone, there was a lot to do. Getting up early, and the fact that my body aches in the morning more than it used to did not leave me in a particularly good mood. I was thinking about it being fast Sunday, but had no intention of bearing my testimony. I have been feeling battered in my testimony lately, during the last few months, I have been questioning portions of my testimony that I have never questioned before. I did not feel like I was in a particularly spiritual mood this morning.
Sitting in the chapel waiting for sacrament meeting to start I contemplated my testimony and why I did not want to share it today. My main argument was that I was in a crabby mood, but my questioning of different aspects of my testimony lately contributed to my lack of desire to share it. As I was going over this President Graf walked in and took the stand. This was my final argument for not sharing my testimony, I did not feel I could possibly have anything worth sharing in front of the stake president. This is when I got the impression that I should share it, starting the argument in my head. I went back over my reasons for not sharing my testimony today, adding that I did last month to the argument. I then had several thoughts come into my mind. The first was that sharing testimony was like prayer, if I did not want to, it was a very good indication that I should. I also have it in my head from somewhere that bearing testimony will help us be forgiven of our sins. My thoughts then went back over some of my recent trials with different aspects of my testimony. I realized that Satan has been systematically attacking many different aspects of my testimony over the last several months. Each portion of my testimony has been attacked, and tried. I would win a battle, only to have an attack from a different angle. It has been taking a spiritual toll on me to fight all of these battles. So far I have been victorious, even though many times lately I have been beaten down until I have cried out to the Lord saying "I can't take any more! Please spare me!" I have felt the loving arms of my Savior wrapped around me to lift me up and help me make it through on more than one occasion. I learned how, if I reach out to the Savior that he will reach out and help me up, carry me when necessary, and give me strength for the next battle that comes. I could no longer hold my seat, I had to get up and share my testimony about my experiences, and about the Saviors love.
This is about the time that I realized that these trials of our testimony are what cause some to fall. Even people like Oliver Cowdry, or Martin Harris succumbed to this type of trial. I realized that everyone would have to be tried like this. Some of us will have to go through it over and over. Some will fall. Some will never come back. My emotions were out of control, I could feel the Saviors love as I shared my testimony. It was a great testimony meeting. It has turned my Sunday from a crabby one to a very spiritual one. I feel revitalized and ready to face another week.