Time Flies!

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since I last wrote. Things get busy and time slips past. Barbie has gone to California to see her grandmother who is not doing so well. She has lung cancer. The last couple of days leading up to her departure today has been very busy. I finally took her to a movie after Spanish class last night. We went to see City of Ember. It was nothing like the book, and somewhat disappointing. Barbie and I had the whole theater to ourselves. We didn't know what to think, I have never had that happen before. We didn't even make out, seems like a shame to waste the opportunity. (Barbie and I are just not like that, she thinks making out is gross. I agree especially when it is in a public place, even if we are alone.) The next couple of days are going to be crazy. Barbie does a ton of stuff everyday, I am only trying to do part of what she does and I am overwhelmed by it. The next two days are going to be extra hectic with Halloween and all.

I really don't have much to say tonight, I miss Barbie, I was starting to miss her before she even left. I left to go to work this morning before she left and felt very strongly that I shouldn't have. I took care of one thing at work and turned around and came home. I am glad I did. Barbie was very sad when I left, I could sense it. I was able to help her work out a couple of things for her trip. Her sister said that there were no hotel rooms available, so I made a phone call and reserved a room for her. Thinking back on it I don't think that Barb would have got a room if I had done it for her. Reserving the room was only part of it. I was then able to convince my father-in-law to take our van instead of his truck with a camper. Barbie tried this as well, but failed. I am glad I was able to convince them to take the van, I am certain that their trip will be much more pleasant.

It has been a long time since I just took charge and did anything like the movie, or getting a room, or convincing someone to alter their plans. Or, like the pictures, learned to play the guitar, or gone to a ward Valentine dance with my wife. Barb pointed out recently that I am not the same confident take charge person that she married. After getting mad about her pointing that out I realized that she was right. I have determined to stop taking no for an answer, and to stop giving up without even trying like I have been doing lately. The last couple of days since I decided this have been great. I feel like myself again, I feel the confidence, the drive to succeed that has been missing. Barbie has noticed as well. It is a good feeling.

Busy

This has been a busy week. My boss has been here from Salt Lake, he just went back this morning. I drove up through Milford today, long drive. We went and watched Jacob's last football game of the season, they won 12 to 7 over Dixie. It was a really good game. Barb has been going 6 ways from Sunday with all that she has going on. I have not had too much time to blog the last few days. It is late tonight, so I won't say much other than things are really busy right now. I don't think that we are going to slow down much this weekend either. There is a lot going on!

Peace

This weekend has been a very good one for me. It is interesting how you don't realize what a mess your head is until it clears. I am so glad that Barbie was able to help me clear my head on Thursday. I did not realized how truly crippled my thinking was.
My lesson in Elders Quorum yesterday went better than it has in a long time. My ability to feel and follow the prompting of the Spirit was far better than I have experienced in at least a couple of months. I guess Joseph Smith's experience when he was translating applies to us all. He and Emma had a disagreement, he could not translate until he had gone down and made things right with his wife. I experienced the same thing this last week. I have been struggling, especially with my Elders Quorum lesson coming up and 2 or 3 previous ones. I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time. Now I understand, I was not thinking right or clearly. My relationship with my wife was strained because of the mess my head was in. I could not get the guidance that I so desperately need when teaching these lessons because I needed to make things right, in my head, and especially with my wife.
This weekend has been a great one. I didn't realize how much I rely on the Spirit for these lessons, I also didn't realize how much I rely on the Spirit for the everyday things in my life. I am so thankful that I was able to make things right last week. It is truly a good feeling. I am once again reminded how good my sweet wife if for me. I really don't know what I would do without her there to help me work through the trials in my life. She can see clearly when I cannot see myself.

Clear mind again!

Yesterday the battle raging inside my head came to a climax. Yesterday afternoon the first two lines from a hymn kept coming into my mind, plowing through all of the turmoil that was going on in my head, the crazy thoughts, the ridiculous arguments..."Where will I turn for peace? Where is my solace." Along with these words came the thought, you have to have a talk with your wife. This morning I woke up at about 3:30 am knowing that I needed to Talk to Barb. I Spent a fitful 2 hours until she woke, and another 1/2 hour until I got the nerve to talk to her. 2 hours later, after eating a lot of humble pie, my head is clear. The crazy thoughts that have been rampaging are gone. The enemy is subdued and has been driven back once again. Good has over come evil in my behalf once more. I am so thankful for my wife, for her patience, and her ability to tell me what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. She helped me partake of the atonement this morning, helped me to accept the helping hand that Jesus Christ has extended to each of us at all times.
As I listened to the hymn Where will I Turn for Peace over and over again this morning, I was overcome with emotion. Being able to think clearly today has been wonderful! It is the first time in almost 2 months! This battle in my mind has been going on and building to the point yesterday where some of my thought patterns were starting to scare me. What happened yesterday afternoon and this morning is truly one of the Lord's tender mercies, I don't think I could have made it through another day. Barbie said that she could see the difference in my countenance this morning after our talk. I can feel the difference in my soul.

Spanish class is over

Now that Spanish class is over, I have lost the train of thought that I was following in my last post. Even after re-reading it I cannot follow where my thoughts at that time were going. It is one of those times when a train of thought has been derailed off of its tracks by a time restraint that would not allow it to continue.
I have found it interesting the last couple of weeks as I have tried to direct my thoughts away from work when I am not at work that there is a lot of things going on in my head. I have had a couple of break throughs in understanding myself, some of my motivations, as well as some of my short comings. I suppose that I have always been somewhat aware that they were there, I simply have not allowed myself to think about them. By not thinking about them I have let some things go on for a far longer time than I should have. I have also short changed myself in other areas by not pursuing the motivations that could have driven me forward. The counsel to find time to think and ponder, to sit quietly and listen for the promptings of the Spirit is wise counsel indeed. My time spent in the temple each week since Barb and I have been called as temple patrons has allowed me to have this pondering time. I am starting to realize that the short amount of time at the temple is not enough and have lately been turning off the radio in my truck as I drive more and more often. I do a lot of driving, and driving is a time I can spend pondering. Things are busy enough that finding time is difficult, so turning the radio off has been a great way to provide this ponder time. I have found that it is difficult to keep my mind from wandering around, however, the more time I have spent trying to focus, the easier it has been getting. As is the case with everything else, practise makes perfect. I am hoping that writing some of my thoughts down will help me to sort them all out so that I can make sense of them.

Still Burdened

If you read my post yesterday, you can see that my mind is full and my thoughts jump around. As I went to and participated at the temple this morning my mind was once again full of random thoughts. I am still feeling burdened. The feeling that I felt when I started going to the temple in the morning once a week is still there. Now, however, there are more thoughts, which in turn causes me more confusion trying to understand what the feeling of a great burden means and why I am aware of it now when I wasn't before. I am aware of an opposition that I haven't felt, the likes of before. There seems to be a great interest from the unseen world in distracting me. It is making it hard to sort out what all this means. I am also concerned about some of the ideas that have been forming in my head. I know they are from Satan because no good result will come from following them. They are mixed in with other ideas and understandings of a spiritual nature. It is as if a great battle is going on in my head for my very soul. Unfortunately I don't have time to elaborate on any of it, and I am quite sure my train of thought that I have going right now will not last until later. If I don't get going I am going to be late getting to the Spanish class that Barb and I are taking. I guess the point of this post is described in the title of it, I still feel burdened, the feeling is intensifying.

It has been a day or two.

I'm not doing a very good job of posting on my blog. I was going to use my blog as a journal, trying to recommit myself to writing in my journal. The last couple of days have been somewhat uneventful for me. The excitement of the weekend was getting a new bishopric. Lance Rigby is the new bishop, Dave Leavitt is the first counselor and Rick Georosoli is the second counselor. Barb knew it was Lance about 2 weeks ago. She is always in tune that way. I was still guessing until they announced it. An interesting note, not that it means anything, Dave is our home teacher, (Dave and I have been friends since we were kids) Jacob and I are Rick's home teacher, and I was Lance's home teacher for about a year. The connection I have with the new bishopric is interesting. I also had another interesting thought that goes against what I was thinking would happen. I believe Dave is the oldest one of the three. I was thinking that the new bishopric would be older. Barb and I were discussing this and between the two of us have come to the conclusion that the kids in the ward need younger leadership. The kids today do not "conform" to the "expectations" of the older generation like we were expected to when we were kids. It is defiantly a different generation that we are dealing with, not only the youth, but the primary kids. Teachers and leaders need to be relaxed. If I was a teacher in a school class room I would expect the kids to "toe the line". Barb and I have come to the conclusion that this type of "control" or "expectations" doesn't work with this generation. Maybe that is why the new bishopric is younger.
Well, today is a good example of the random stuff floating around in my head on any given day. As you can see, there isn't too much going on in my head that is of a profound or useful nature. That is one of the reasons that I don't write sometimes. I did sit down over the weekend to write, but the ideas in my head at the time seemed so meaningless that I felt that it was a waste of time to write them down. When I write I feel as if I should be writing something meaningful, and do not want to bore a reader with the random stuff in my head. I don't know if this is the way I should be thinking about it or not. According to Mr. Kelsch, the thinkshed is for all thoughts, however random. I have a hard time doing that sometimes. May be I just don't want people to consider sending someone with a little white jacket that laces up the back to come get me. There are times when I can't make sense of what is going on in my head, and it is my head! Okay, enough rambling for one day.

Remembering my mission

I found a web site for the Japan Sendai mission through Facebook yesterday. I have already been able to contact Elder Wasden and Elder MacKay. Elder Cornwall is the only other person from my mission that I have had contact with since I got home 16 years ago. Wow how time flies! It was good to sit an reminisce a little bit about my mission and about some of the Friends that I made in Japan that I have not seen or heard from since I left. The photo is one that a ward member gave me before I left. He was in Sendai Japan in 1954 while in the service, he took this picture at a Sunday School class while he was there. When I got to Japan I showed it to my mission president, President Fukuda who grew up in Sendai. When he looked at it he exclaimed "I am in this picture!" He is sitting 5 rows back on the right side of the aisle, all you can see is his face. I find it fascinating that a picture originating in Sendai Japan, can make it to the other side of the earth to a small town in southern Utah, and then make it back to Sendai 36 years later at a time when someone in the picture is serving as mission president. It just goes to prove that this is truly a small world we live on!

The other drawing was done by a member in Sendai, he did these little cards for all of the missionaries, I wish I could remember his name! Mine is a picture of me in a gold mine, part of my jikoshokai (meaning self introduction, we used a small book with pictures to introduce ourselves) shows pictures of the gold mine that I worked in before I left on my mission. At the top of the card it says hen gaijin meaning weird foreigner, below that it it explains that I worked in a gold mine. These are just a couple of fun things from my mission that I thought of after finding the web site.

I hope to be able to find more of the Elders and Sister that I served with in Japan. We get so busy in our lives that sometimes we don't stop for the little things. Friendships should never be considered a little thing, unfortunately we get so busy with our lives that we neglect the little things. This can be true in our everyday relationships with our family and closest Friends as well as people that we knew a long time ago. We should stop and smell the roses from time to time.

Happy Birthday Lydia!

Mom let Lydia open one of her birthday presents when she came home for lunch. She has been telling us each day for about 2 weeks how many days it was to her birthday. She has been really excited for her birthday to get here. Lydia has been bouncing off of the wall ever since she got up this morning, you would think that it is Christmas. Even crashing on her scooter on the way to school this morning has not dampened her spirits. We can't wipe that smile off of her face!

Barb wasn't very happy with me for taking her picture as you can see by the smirch on her face.

I hope you have a happy birthday Lyd, we love you! Keep smiling!

"Thinkshed" explained

I was going to explain what a thinkshed is when I first called by blog my "electronic thinkshed". The term comes from Mr. Kelcsh @ Dixie State College, he was my English professor. He described a "thinkshed" as a shed (or journal) where we keep our thoughts. The think shed is a project that he assigned the class instead of having a final exam. No one complains about not having to take a final exam, the catch is this, we had to write in our "thinkshed" throughout the semester. To get full credit we had to fill a 100 page (front and back side of the page) composition note book during the semester and turn it in as our final. Since I took both required semesters of English from Mr. Kelcsh who assigned us this journal or thinkshed as a project at the beginning of the semester, I have kept a "thinkshed" with me ever since. I carry a composition note book in my back pack, or my manly purse as Jacob calls it, all the time. One of the drawbacks to writing in a journal for me is that once I have written in it, I very seldom ever look at it, and no one else ever sees what I have written either. My thought is this, who benefits from this? When I started a blog I thought "wow, a thinkshed that might actually be of use to someone." Anyway, that is a thinkshed in a nut shell.

Discussion

Barb and I had a discussion today while I was home for lunch. We talked about the last four years and how everything that has happened in our family has been so necessary. When we moved to Providence we both thought that there was a reason for it, when we left we left confused thinking that we never found out what the reason was. We have both had the same feeling about moving back to Santa Clara, there is a specific reason, yet we have not had any "big" thing happen that we can say "yeah, that is why we had to move back". As we talked about the changes that we have both been going through the last 2 or 3 weeks especially we can now look back and see many reasons for our move to Providence and our subsequent move back to Santa Clara. We have both realized that all that has happened over the last 4 years was necessary to make it possible for us to learn what we are learning right now. We can also see that the effects of our move to Providence and back has had an effect on others as well. As we consider all the changes and effects that have happened in our own lives, we can see the effect and influence the events of the last 4 years have had on others. It is interesting to see how intertwined our circle of influence is. Our actions influence others, our family, our friends, and others who we didn't even know at the time. I look at the friendships that we made in Providence with thankfulness, knowing that if we had not followed the prompting to move to Cache Valley, we would have missed out on these friends and acquaintances. They have changed us, we have changed them, looking back we can see on a small scale the "reasons" for all that has transpired over the last 4 years.
If we allow the Lord to guide us, He can mold us into the person that He knows we are. I am starting to realize that this process extends throughout our lives. He will always try to mold and shape us if we allow Him to. It is interesting, a few weeks ago I would have told you that I could not point out 1 single reason for our move to Providence and back. Today, I can't count all of the reasons that have been brought to my attention. In fact, I find new reasons with each day that goes by. It is an amazing experience.

Understanding

I came to an understanding of some of what is going on in my life right now this morning in the temple. To explain I have to go back several weeks when I started attending the temple in the morning before work to do initiatory. My first time as I was participating, I felt a great burden upon my shoulders, or maybe a better description would be, it was placed upon my soul. Whether this was a new burden, an old one that the Lord was just now allowing me to feel, or a combination of the two I know not. All I know is that from the time I first started doing initiatory work that morning I could feel a heavy burden that is grievous to be born. As I left the temple that day, I could feel the weight of what had been placed upon my shoulders, I felt as if the weight of it would crush me. As I went about my day the thought of it did not leave me, however, later that morning as I pondered upon what I was feeling I had a perception. In my minds eye, I perceived two heavenly beings who came and stood beside me. One on my right, one on my left, each took an arm picking me up as if I were an injured athlete who needed assistance off of the playing field. I now could not feel the burden that I previously felt, although I was aware that it was still there. These two warriors, for lack of a better way to describe them, were now supporting me, as I supported the burden that had been placed upon me. I have pondered upon this everyday since I first had the experience, perceiving each day that the burden was still there, and that my heavenly help was still helping me to bear it up.
Now for today's experience. As I was participating in initiatory again this morning, this experience came to mind along with the realization that I have thought about it daily since it happened. I am aware that this particular burden has been with me day and night since I first became aware of it. Again I say, I do not know if it is new, old, or a combination of the two. It is perhaps something that has been there for many years that the Lord allowed me to perceive so that I would become aware of it. I do not know for sure.What I do know, and what really hit home in an understanding this morning is this: Along with the perception of this burden I have also been able to perceive my heavenly help as well. These two angles, warriors, or whatever they are have been there day and night helping me to bear up the burden that has been placed upon me. I cannot describe the feelings that I felt as I left the temple this morning with the understanding of Christ's love, and His willingness to help us bear whatever we are called upon to go through in this life. The realization that I have been aware of this for 5 or 6 weeks, everyday, left me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Since Barbie and I have started going to the temple more often, and especially since I started going once a week in the mornings, I have been blessed, Barbie has been blessed, my family has been blessed in so many ways that I am sure that I am not even aware of all of the blessings. My experience this morning is just one example, one that took several weeks before I became aware of it, so that I would be able to understand it.
Whatever is in store in the future, I know that I will be up to the task, because I know that the Lord will send help. I think that the help has always been there, I am not sure if there are really angles on my right and left every moment of every day helping me to bear an unseen burden, or if this is simply how my mind portrayed the help so that I can understand it. This is what I do know, the help is there, the Lord will help us bear up any burden that we may have. Alma talks about how the Lord helped his people bear the literal burdens placed upon his people when they were in captivity. This same help is available to us all for any burden we may have. If it is a trial, a calling, a work related stress, whatever it is, there is help available to us to help us bear it up.
As I left the temple this morning I felt that I could not do another thing until I had written this experience down. I know that it was a very important thing for me to understand, and that it is something that I should always remember. I felt I should share it on my blog for some reason instead of writing it in my journal . Hopefully someone else can benefit from my experience as well. I just want to end by saying that I know my Savior Jesus Christ lives, he loves each one of us, and he will always be there to help us no matter what the circumstance may be. I leave this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Deep thoughts for a shallow mind.

Sometimes the answers to your prayers come, and it isn't what you want to hear. The last 4 or so years the Lord has been trying to teach me something. The lesson is just barely starting to settle into my thick skull. I am not sure I have learned enough at this point to be able to explain what has been going on with me. My last entry talked about learning about one of my "stumbling blocks". There is more to it than that. As I sat and listened to the Priesthood session of conference over the weekend, I realized that what President Uchtdorf was saying was an answer to the prayers that I have been saying for the last 4 years. Imagine my amazement when President Eyring's address was more of the same, and President Monson continued along the same lines. "Stand close, and lift where you stand". This is for me. Don't like it very much, it hits too close to home. I am going to have to re-read these talks before I am able to fully digest what they have to say to me. This may be a topic that I should not be writing about. As I sit here trying to gather my thoughts, my train of thought on the subject is gone. Is it possible that I am not supposed to share my experience in this format? Am I not supposed to share it at all? Or is it that I am trying to share it before I fully understand it myself? I guess that I will leave the subject for another day. All I can think to say about it at this time is that I am learning things about myself that I really do not want to address. It is not a pleasant experience. However, I know that it is something that I must deal with or my eternal progression could remain stalled right where I am for a long time to come. I get the feeling that I have reached a point in my life where I either have to face and overcome some of my Goliaths, or I will forever be damned by them. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about any serious misdeed or sin. I am talking about some of my personal character flaws that are preventing me from moving any further forward than I am right now. They are "holding me back".

Switching gears a little bit, I found when I got into my truck this afternoon that there were some things missing. I left my truck unlocked over the weekend, mistake I know, and found today that there were some items missing. Nothing that amounts to any significant amount of money. A USB thumb drive, a calculator, and a cable to plug my MP3 player into my stereo. The kind of stuff that kids would take. What has the world come to? Why would someone steal such items? Actually there was other stuff in my truck that was not taken. Is the $40 or $50 dollars worth of stuff taken worth it? How often are any of us taking a little something here, or something else there? Would these items have been taken if the person taking them would have stopped and thought about the eternal consequences of their actions? How often do we all do things that if we really stopped to think about it, we would think twice about it. Barb has been reading some books that talk about self betrayal, and what that self betrayal causes us to do. I read one of them; reading it is part of what caused me to realize some of what I am discovering about myself the last little while. I have not been brave enough to read the other one. Barb said that there has been more than once that she wanted to throw the book across the room. Knowing myself, I might actually throw it! I am going to have to read the book, I'm not looking forward to it.

Reflections

Have you ever had a time in your life where you are shown all of your weakness, insecurities, short comings and faults? If there were ever a time that I have experienced this, it is right now. In the last 6 weeks or so I have had many of my less desirable qualities brought to my attention. No it is not a pleasant experience. The hard part of it all is that it still happening. The last 2 days have been especially hard. I feel as if I am being humbled into the dirt right now. In the process I am learning a lot about myself that I don't really want to think about.
I am not making a lot of sense, partly because I do not have the time to explain all that I have been going through. Last Monday was one of the biggest discoveries for me. A reference in my patriarchal blessing about being a leader in the community and in the church is a monumental stumbling block for me. I realized on Monday that it has made me critical of a lot of people that I should not be criticising. It has also caused me to be judgmental, in that I think that my way would be better. This applies everywhere, work, family, friends, community, church, and many other situations. It is an ugly discovery to have about ones self.
Yesterday I actually sat down and figured out on paper some not so nice things about my job. It threw me into a depression about work that I am not sure that I will recover from. Long story short, I would be making twice as much money if I would have continued working as a mechanic. I realized yesterday that the 7 years of college to get my degree was a waste of time and money as far as my current employment goes. The mechanic who works "for" me makes twice as much as I do, and he has a company truck to drive around that he doesn't have to spend one dime of his own money on. Again, it was an ugly realization.
Okay, I am going to stop now. I have no intention of delving any deeper into this subject in a blog, so enough of the sour grapes.