Pictures

New family pictures are coming. We just returned from having our pictures done. The last time was in Providence almost 3 years ago! We should have a good family picture that we can post since the photographer will sell us a disc (including the copy rights) of all the pictures that she took. She got some really cute ones of the kids. Hopefully I didn't blink in all of them! Things have settled down in my life, it has been a rough road for the last little while, but we are through it. All of the bumps and bruises that we have gone through, mostly between my sweet wife and I, have all been worth the result. Our relationship is better now than it has ever been. Barb and I have learned a lot about ourselves and each other the last little while. All of this learning has not been easy, but it has brought us closer together than we have ever been. I especially have learned some things about myself that were not pleasant, that I did not really want to admit. Barbie has had some of the same experiences. Even though it was hard, it has all been worth it. We have had the guidance of the Lord, and His helping hand through it all.

Time flies!

It is almost Christmas! I have been out of town most of the week this week. I cannot believe how fast this month has been going by. It is hard to believe that 2008 is almost over! I really don't have anything profound to say today, it has just been a long time since I have posted anything to my blog. I guess all I am doing is making an effort to write. I was going to keep the blog like a journal. As you can see, my journal writing is lacking. I used to be really good at it. However, when I stop and think about my past journal writing, most days I was writing just to say that I wrote and not really recording anything important. I don't know if that is the way a person should keep a journal or not.

How did it get to be December!?!

Where did November go? We went to Brigham City for Thanksgiving. It was great to get together with Jim and his Family. Thanksgiving was actually somewhat small this year, It was Jim's family, Barb's parents and us. Erica did come spend Friday and Saturday. Spending 4 days on an air mattress makes me appreciate my bed! We went to the Ogden Temple and collected another card for Barb, on the way home we stopped at Temple Square and looked at the lights. It was a great weekend. We are glad to be home, but not ready for it to be December already. This year has just flown by!

Going north for Thanksgiving

We are going to be going to Brigham City for Thanksgiving. Barbie is more excited than anyone I think. She is enjoying being able to tell everyone that she will be out of town for Thanksgiving. The last time that we went to Brigham City for Thanksgiving we went to Cache Valley, found a house and bought it. That is not in the plans this time, I mention it only because it seems as if it was so long ago. It is amazing how fast 5 or 6 years go by! The last few month have been really hard for Barb and I. There are some things that both of us have been working through in our personal lives and in our relationship. It is interesting that these issues have come up now and not sooner. If we would have tried to work out some of them earlier in our marriage, I am not sure we would have made it through. This is mostly due to the fact that I deal with things much better now that I used to. It has taken a long time for me to get to a point that I can talk about something that is difficult without flying off of the handle. I have matured in that way a great deal over the last 15 years. It is a good thing. I love my wife very much, I want to do all that I can to work through the bumps that we are going through right now. It has been an interesting experience for me, as each issue comes up and is dealt with. They are not all coming out at once, but seem to be coming to our attention in a specific order making it so we can deal with each one as it comes. We are going to make it through, we love each other, there are just things that we have never dealt with over the course of the last 15 years.

Hmmmm

Barb and I finished our Spanish class that we were taking together. The instructor said that they are not going to extend it, for another 6 weeks. What a bummer. It has been fun going to class with my sweetie for the last 3 months, it gives us some time away from the kids. We made a "hot date" out of it and went to Walmart afterward. Whoot whoot! We did have a long talk in the truck afterward. There has been a lot of things going on in our lives the last little while, it was nice to sit and talk about some of what has been happening.
I have been a lot busier at work the last couple of weeks, it has made things very hectic. The holidays are bearing down on us now, I cannot believe how fast the days are going by. There has been a lot of stuff to think about today, after my conversation with my wife I have been in a reflective mind set. As is always the case there are bumps to smooth out in our relationship. I have been pondering what I need to do to help with that process.
I guess in reality it is not something I want to put out there into cyber space, so I will say that I have been thinking about my relationship with my wife today, and leave it at that.

Holy cow!

This month has been a blur! I don't know where it has gone. I spent the first part of this week in Salt Lake for work. With Barb being gone and then me being gone and everything else that has been going on I have not been able to slow down. Work has been a lot busier the last little while, that is a good thing! I still cannot believe that it is the middle of November already. I am not making much sense, but wanted to explain that I have not been writing because it has been busy! Monday before I left for SLC Barb and I had a discussion. The details are not so important, the conclusion is. We made a covenant between us and God that we would bear with patience our trial and do so without murmuring about it. Most of our trials at this time are related to our living in southern Utah near family. There is a lot of stress, especially with my family. There has always been tension in my family, now it is worse than ever. Barb and I once again have accepted that the Lord wants us here, for whatever reason, and that we are going to be here until that reason no longer exists. So, we are going to submit to His will, and we are not going to complain about it, keeping a hope in our hearts that someday, like Alma's people, we will be delivered. We both believe the deliverance will come in the form of a move away from this area. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful area to live, we have so many blessings here. Barbie has an adventurous spirit, and we feel that at some point if we are trying to do the Lord's will, that He will have need for us somewhere else. Living in Cache Valley was a wonderful experience for us, we loved it there. That isn't to say that there were not trials, there were, but we felt that we were supposed to be there and that made them easier to bear. We feel that we were supposed to move back here, and we feel that like it or not, we are supposed to still be here for now. That is enough, if the Lord wants us here we can be happy here. Well, I am rambling on and making no sense. I guess that is all for now.

An argument with myself.

Today was fast Sunday. I got up early today in an effort to get to church on time. With Barb gone, there was a lot to do. Getting up early, and the fact that my body aches in the morning more than it used to did not leave me in a particularly good mood. I was thinking about it being fast Sunday, but had no intention of bearing my testimony. I have been feeling battered in my testimony lately, during the last few months, I have been questioning portions of my testimony that I have never questioned before. I did not feel like I was in a particularly spiritual mood this morning.
Sitting in the chapel waiting for sacrament meeting to start I contemplated my testimony and why I did not want to share it today. My main argument was that I was in a crabby mood, but my questioning of different aspects of my testimony lately contributed to my lack of desire to share it. As I was going over this President Graf walked in and took the stand. This was my final argument for not sharing my testimony, I did not feel I could possibly have anything worth sharing in front of the stake president. This is when I got the impression that I should share it, starting the argument in my head. I went back over my reasons for not sharing my testimony today, adding that I did last month to the argument. I then had several thoughts come into my mind. The first was that sharing testimony was like prayer, if I did not want to, it was a very good indication that I should. I also have it in my head from somewhere that bearing testimony will help us be forgiven of our sins. My thoughts then went back over some of my recent trials with different aspects of my testimony. I realized that Satan has been systematically attacking many different aspects of my testimony over the last several months. Each portion of my testimony has been attacked, and tried. I would win a battle, only to have an attack from a different angle. It has been taking a spiritual toll on me to fight all of these battles. So far I have been victorious, even though many times lately I have been beaten down until I have cried out to the Lord saying "I can't take any more! Please spare me!" I have felt the loving arms of my Savior wrapped around me to lift me up and help me make it through on more than one occasion. I learned how, if I reach out to the Savior that he will reach out and help me up, carry me when necessary, and give me strength for the next battle that comes. I could no longer hold my seat, I had to get up and share my testimony about my experiences, and about the Saviors love.
This is about the time that I realized that these trials of our testimony are what cause some to fall. Even people like Oliver Cowdry, or Martin Harris succumbed to this type of trial. I realized that everyone would have to be tried like this. Some of us will have to go through it over and over. Some will fall. Some will never come back. My emotions were out of control, I could feel the Saviors love as I shared my testimony. It was a great testimony meeting. It has turned my Sunday from a crabby one to a very spiritual one. I feel revitalized and ready to face another week.

Time Flies!

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since I last wrote. Things get busy and time slips past. Barbie has gone to California to see her grandmother who is not doing so well. She has lung cancer. The last couple of days leading up to her departure today has been very busy. I finally took her to a movie after Spanish class last night. We went to see City of Ember. It was nothing like the book, and somewhat disappointing. Barbie and I had the whole theater to ourselves. We didn't know what to think, I have never had that happen before. We didn't even make out, seems like a shame to waste the opportunity. (Barbie and I are just not like that, she thinks making out is gross. I agree especially when it is in a public place, even if we are alone.) The next couple of days are going to be crazy. Barbie does a ton of stuff everyday, I am only trying to do part of what she does and I am overwhelmed by it. The next two days are going to be extra hectic with Halloween and all.

I really don't have much to say tonight, I miss Barbie, I was starting to miss her before she even left. I left to go to work this morning before she left and felt very strongly that I shouldn't have. I took care of one thing at work and turned around and came home. I am glad I did. Barbie was very sad when I left, I could sense it. I was able to help her work out a couple of things for her trip. Her sister said that there were no hotel rooms available, so I made a phone call and reserved a room for her. Thinking back on it I don't think that Barb would have got a room if I had done it for her. Reserving the room was only part of it. I was then able to convince my father-in-law to take our van instead of his truck with a camper. Barbie tried this as well, but failed. I am glad I was able to convince them to take the van, I am certain that their trip will be much more pleasant.

It has been a long time since I just took charge and did anything like the movie, or getting a room, or convincing someone to alter their plans. Or, like the pictures, learned to play the guitar, or gone to a ward Valentine dance with my wife. Barb pointed out recently that I am not the same confident take charge person that she married. After getting mad about her pointing that out I realized that she was right. I have determined to stop taking no for an answer, and to stop giving up without even trying like I have been doing lately. The last couple of days since I decided this have been great. I feel like myself again, I feel the confidence, the drive to succeed that has been missing. Barbie has noticed as well. It is a good feeling.

Busy

This has been a busy week. My boss has been here from Salt Lake, he just went back this morning. I drove up through Milford today, long drive. We went and watched Jacob's last football game of the season, they won 12 to 7 over Dixie. It was a really good game. Barb has been going 6 ways from Sunday with all that she has going on. I have not had too much time to blog the last few days. It is late tonight, so I won't say much other than things are really busy right now. I don't think that we are going to slow down much this weekend either. There is a lot going on!

Peace

This weekend has been a very good one for me. It is interesting how you don't realize what a mess your head is until it clears. I am so glad that Barbie was able to help me clear my head on Thursday. I did not realized how truly crippled my thinking was.
My lesson in Elders Quorum yesterday went better than it has in a long time. My ability to feel and follow the prompting of the Spirit was far better than I have experienced in at least a couple of months. I guess Joseph Smith's experience when he was translating applies to us all. He and Emma had a disagreement, he could not translate until he had gone down and made things right with his wife. I experienced the same thing this last week. I have been struggling, especially with my Elders Quorum lesson coming up and 2 or 3 previous ones. I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time. Now I understand, I was not thinking right or clearly. My relationship with my wife was strained because of the mess my head was in. I could not get the guidance that I so desperately need when teaching these lessons because I needed to make things right, in my head, and especially with my wife.
This weekend has been a great one. I didn't realize how much I rely on the Spirit for these lessons, I also didn't realize how much I rely on the Spirit for the everyday things in my life. I am so thankful that I was able to make things right last week. It is truly a good feeling. I am once again reminded how good my sweet wife if for me. I really don't know what I would do without her there to help me work through the trials in my life. She can see clearly when I cannot see myself.

Clear mind again!

Yesterday the battle raging inside my head came to a climax. Yesterday afternoon the first two lines from a hymn kept coming into my mind, plowing through all of the turmoil that was going on in my head, the crazy thoughts, the ridiculous arguments..."Where will I turn for peace? Where is my solace." Along with these words came the thought, you have to have a talk with your wife. This morning I woke up at about 3:30 am knowing that I needed to Talk to Barb. I Spent a fitful 2 hours until she woke, and another 1/2 hour until I got the nerve to talk to her. 2 hours later, after eating a lot of humble pie, my head is clear. The crazy thoughts that have been rampaging are gone. The enemy is subdued and has been driven back once again. Good has over come evil in my behalf once more. I am so thankful for my wife, for her patience, and her ability to tell me what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. She helped me partake of the atonement this morning, helped me to accept the helping hand that Jesus Christ has extended to each of us at all times.
As I listened to the hymn Where will I Turn for Peace over and over again this morning, I was overcome with emotion. Being able to think clearly today has been wonderful! It is the first time in almost 2 months! This battle in my mind has been going on and building to the point yesterday where some of my thought patterns were starting to scare me. What happened yesterday afternoon and this morning is truly one of the Lord's tender mercies, I don't think I could have made it through another day. Barbie said that she could see the difference in my countenance this morning after our talk. I can feel the difference in my soul.

Spanish class is over

Now that Spanish class is over, I have lost the train of thought that I was following in my last post. Even after re-reading it I cannot follow where my thoughts at that time were going. It is one of those times when a train of thought has been derailed off of its tracks by a time restraint that would not allow it to continue.
I have found it interesting the last couple of weeks as I have tried to direct my thoughts away from work when I am not at work that there is a lot of things going on in my head. I have had a couple of break throughs in understanding myself, some of my motivations, as well as some of my short comings. I suppose that I have always been somewhat aware that they were there, I simply have not allowed myself to think about them. By not thinking about them I have let some things go on for a far longer time than I should have. I have also short changed myself in other areas by not pursuing the motivations that could have driven me forward. The counsel to find time to think and ponder, to sit quietly and listen for the promptings of the Spirit is wise counsel indeed. My time spent in the temple each week since Barb and I have been called as temple patrons has allowed me to have this pondering time. I am starting to realize that the short amount of time at the temple is not enough and have lately been turning off the radio in my truck as I drive more and more often. I do a lot of driving, and driving is a time I can spend pondering. Things are busy enough that finding time is difficult, so turning the radio off has been a great way to provide this ponder time. I have found that it is difficult to keep my mind from wandering around, however, the more time I have spent trying to focus, the easier it has been getting. As is the case with everything else, practise makes perfect. I am hoping that writing some of my thoughts down will help me to sort them all out so that I can make sense of them.

Still Burdened

If you read my post yesterday, you can see that my mind is full and my thoughts jump around. As I went to and participated at the temple this morning my mind was once again full of random thoughts. I am still feeling burdened. The feeling that I felt when I started going to the temple in the morning once a week is still there. Now, however, there are more thoughts, which in turn causes me more confusion trying to understand what the feeling of a great burden means and why I am aware of it now when I wasn't before. I am aware of an opposition that I haven't felt, the likes of before. There seems to be a great interest from the unseen world in distracting me. It is making it hard to sort out what all this means. I am also concerned about some of the ideas that have been forming in my head. I know they are from Satan because no good result will come from following them. They are mixed in with other ideas and understandings of a spiritual nature. It is as if a great battle is going on in my head for my very soul. Unfortunately I don't have time to elaborate on any of it, and I am quite sure my train of thought that I have going right now will not last until later. If I don't get going I am going to be late getting to the Spanish class that Barb and I are taking. I guess the point of this post is described in the title of it, I still feel burdened, the feeling is intensifying.

It has been a day or two.

I'm not doing a very good job of posting on my blog. I was going to use my blog as a journal, trying to recommit myself to writing in my journal. The last couple of days have been somewhat uneventful for me. The excitement of the weekend was getting a new bishopric. Lance Rigby is the new bishop, Dave Leavitt is the first counselor and Rick Georosoli is the second counselor. Barb knew it was Lance about 2 weeks ago. She is always in tune that way. I was still guessing until they announced it. An interesting note, not that it means anything, Dave is our home teacher, (Dave and I have been friends since we were kids) Jacob and I are Rick's home teacher, and I was Lance's home teacher for about a year. The connection I have with the new bishopric is interesting. I also had another interesting thought that goes against what I was thinking would happen. I believe Dave is the oldest one of the three. I was thinking that the new bishopric would be older. Barb and I were discussing this and between the two of us have come to the conclusion that the kids in the ward need younger leadership. The kids today do not "conform" to the "expectations" of the older generation like we were expected to when we were kids. It is defiantly a different generation that we are dealing with, not only the youth, but the primary kids. Teachers and leaders need to be relaxed. If I was a teacher in a school class room I would expect the kids to "toe the line". Barb and I have come to the conclusion that this type of "control" or "expectations" doesn't work with this generation. Maybe that is why the new bishopric is younger.
Well, today is a good example of the random stuff floating around in my head on any given day. As you can see, there isn't too much going on in my head that is of a profound or useful nature. That is one of the reasons that I don't write sometimes. I did sit down over the weekend to write, but the ideas in my head at the time seemed so meaningless that I felt that it was a waste of time to write them down. When I write I feel as if I should be writing something meaningful, and do not want to bore a reader with the random stuff in my head. I don't know if this is the way I should be thinking about it or not. According to Mr. Kelsch, the thinkshed is for all thoughts, however random. I have a hard time doing that sometimes. May be I just don't want people to consider sending someone with a little white jacket that laces up the back to come get me. There are times when I can't make sense of what is going on in my head, and it is my head! Okay, enough rambling for one day.

Remembering my mission

I found a web site for the Japan Sendai mission through Facebook yesterday. I have already been able to contact Elder Wasden and Elder MacKay. Elder Cornwall is the only other person from my mission that I have had contact with since I got home 16 years ago. Wow how time flies! It was good to sit an reminisce a little bit about my mission and about some of the Friends that I made in Japan that I have not seen or heard from since I left. The photo is one that a ward member gave me before I left. He was in Sendai Japan in 1954 while in the service, he took this picture at a Sunday School class while he was there. When I got to Japan I showed it to my mission president, President Fukuda who grew up in Sendai. When he looked at it he exclaimed "I am in this picture!" He is sitting 5 rows back on the right side of the aisle, all you can see is his face. I find it fascinating that a picture originating in Sendai Japan, can make it to the other side of the earth to a small town in southern Utah, and then make it back to Sendai 36 years later at a time when someone in the picture is serving as mission president. It just goes to prove that this is truly a small world we live on!

The other drawing was done by a member in Sendai, he did these little cards for all of the missionaries, I wish I could remember his name! Mine is a picture of me in a gold mine, part of my jikoshokai (meaning self introduction, we used a small book with pictures to introduce ourselves) shows pictures of the gold mine that I worked in before I left on my mission. At the top of the card it says hen gaijin meaning weird foreigner, below that it it explains that I worked in a gold mine. These are just a couple of fun things from my mission that I thought of after finding the web site.

I hope to be able to find more of the Elders and Sister that I served with in Japan. We get so busy in our lives that sometimes we don't stop for the little things. Friendships should never be considered a little thing, unfortunately we get so busy with our lives that we neglect the little things. This can be true in our everyday relationships with our family and closest Friends as well as people that we knew a long time ago. We should stop and smell the roses from time to time.

Happy Birthday Lydia!

Mom let Lydia open one of her birthday presents when she came home for lunch. She has been telling us each day for about 2 weeks how many days it was to her birthday. She has been really excited for her birthday to get here. Lydia has been bouncing off of the wall ever since she got up this morning, you would think that it is Christmas. Even crashing on her scooter on the way to school this morning has not dampened her spirits. We can't wipe that smile off of her face!

Barb wasn't very happy with me for taking her picture as you can see by the smirch on her face.

I hope you have a happy birthday Lyd, we love you! Keep smiling!

"Thinkshed" explained

I was going to explain what a thinkshed is when I first called by blog my "electronic thinkshed". The term comes from Mr. Kelcsh @ Dixie State College, he was my English professor. He described a "thinkshed" as a shed (or journal) where we keep our thoughts. The think shed is a project that he assigned the class instead of having a final exam. No one complains about not having to take a final exam, the catch is this, we had to write in our "thinkshed" throughout the semester. To get full credit we had to fill a 100 page (front and back side of the page) composition note book during the semester and turn it in as our final. Since I took both required semesters of English from Mr. Kelcsh who assigned us this journal or thinkshed as a project at the beginning of the semester, I have kept a "thinkshed" with me ever since. I carry a composition note book in my back pack, or my manly purse as Jacob calls it, all the time. One of the drawbacks to writing in a journal for me is that once I have written in it, I very seldom ever look at it, and no one else ever sees what I have written either. My thought is this, who benefits from this? When I started a blog I thought "wow, a thinkshed that might actually be of use to someone." Anyway, that is a thinkshed in a nut shell.

Discussion

Barb and I had a discussion today while I was home for lunch. We talked about the last four years and how everything that has happened in our family has been so necessary. When we moved to Providence we both thought that there was a reason for it, when we left we left confused thinking that we never found out what the reason was. We have both had the same feeling about moving back to Santa Clara, there is a specific reason, yet we have not had any "big" thing happen that we can say "yeah, that is why we had to move back". As we talked about the changes that we have both been going through the last 2 or 3 weeks especially we can now look back and see many reasons for our move to Providence and our subsequent move back to Santa Clara. We have both realized that all that has happened over the last 4 years was necessary to make it possible for us to learn what we are learning right now. We can also see that the effects of our move to Providence and back has had an effect on others as well. As we consider all the changes and effects that have happened in our own lives, we can see the effect and influence the events of the last 4 years have had on others. It is interesting to see how intertwined our circle of influence is. Our actions influence others, our family, our friends, and others who we didn't even know at the time. I look at the friendships that we made in Providence with thankfulness, knowing that if we had not followed the prompting to move to Cache Valley, we would have missed out on these friends and acquaintances. They have changed us, we have changed them, looking back we can see on a small scale the "reasons" for all that has transpired over the last 4 years.
If we allow the Lord to guide us, He can mold us into the person that He knows we are. I am starting to realize that this process extends throughout our lives. He will always try to mold and shape us if we allow Him to. It is interesting, a few weeks ago I would have told you that I could not point out 1 single reason for our move to Providence and back. Today, I can't count all of the reasons that have been brought to my attention. In fact, I find new reasons with each day that goes by. It is an amazing experience.

Understanding

I came to an understanding of some of what is going on in my life right now this morning in the temple. To explain I have to go back several weeks when I started attending the temple in the morning before work to do initiatory. My first time as I was participating, I felt a great burden upon my shoulders, or maybe a better description would be, it was placed upon my soul. Whether this was a new burden, an old one that the Lord was just now allowing me to feel, or a combination of the two I know not. All I know is that from the time I first started doing initiatory work that morning I could feel a heavy burden that is grievous to be born. As I left the temple that day, I could feel the weight of what had been placed upon my shoulders, I felt as if the weight of it would crush me. As I went about my day the thought of it did not leave me, however, later that morning as I pondered upon what I was feeling I had a perception. In my minds eye, I perceived two heavenly beings who came and stood beside me. One on my right, one on my left, each took an arm picking me up as if I were an injured athlete who needed assistance off of the playing field. I now could not feel the burden that I previously felt, although I was aware that it was still there. These two warriors, for lack of a better way to describe them, were now supporting me, as I supported the burden that had been placed upon me. I have pondered upon this everyday since I first had the experience, perceiving each day that the burden was still there, and that my heavenly help was still helping me to bear it up.
Now for today's experience. As I was participating in initiatory again this morning, this experience came to mind along with the realization that I have thought about it daily since it happened. I am aware that this particular burden has been with me day and night since I first became aware of it. Again I say, I do not know if it is new, old, or a combination of the two. It is perhaps something that has been there for many years that the Lord allowed me to perceive so that I would become aware of it. I do not know for sure.What I do know, and what really hit home in an understanding this morning is this: Along with the perception of this burden I have also been able to perceive my heavenly help as well. These two angles, warriors, or whatever they are have been there day and night helping me to bear up the burden that has been placed upon me. I cannot describe the feelings that I felt as I left the temple this morning with the understanding of Christ's love, and His willingness to help us bear whatever we are called upon to go through in this life. The realization that I have been aware of this for 5 or 6 weeks, everyday, left me feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Since Barbie and I have started going to the temple more often, and especially since I started going once a week in the mornings, I have been blessed, Barbie has been blessed, my family has been blessed in so many ways that I am sure that I am not even aware of all of the blessings. My experience this morning is just one example, one that took several weeks before I became aware of it, so that I would be able to understand it.
Whatever is in store in the future, I know that I will be up to the task, because I know that the Lord will send help. I think that the help has always been there, I am not sure if there are really angles on my right and left every moment of every day helping me to bear an unseen burden, or if this is simply how my mind portrayed the help so that I can understand it. This is what I do know, the help is there, the Lord will help us bear up any burden that we may have. Alma talks about how the Lord helped his people bear the literal burdens placed upon his people when they were in captivity. This same help is available to us all for any burden we may have. If it is a trial, a calling, a work related stress, whatever it is, there is help available to us to help us bear it up.
As I left the temple this morning I felt that I could not do another thing until I had written this experience down. I know that it was a very important thing for me to understand, and that it is something that I should always remember. I felt I should share it on my blog for some reason instead of writing it in my journal . Hopefully someone else can benefit from my experience as well. I just want to end by saying that I know my Savior Jesus Christ lives, he loves each one of us, and he will always be there to help us no matter what the circumstance may be. I leave this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Deep thoughts for a shallow mind.

Sometimes the answers to your prayers come, and it isn't what you want to hear. The last 4 or so years the Lord has been trying to teach me something. The lesson is just barely starting to settle into my thick skull. I am not sure I have learned enough at this point to be able to explain what has been going on with me. My last entry talked about learning about one of my "stumbling blocks". There is more to it than that. As I sat and listened to the Priesthood session of conference over the weekend, I realized that what President Uchtdorf was saying was an answer to the prayers that I have been saying for the last 4 years. Imagine my amazement when President Eyring's address was more of the same, and President Monson continued along the same lines. "Stand close, and lift where you stand". This is for me. Don't like it very much, it hits too close to home. I am going to have to re-read these talks before I am able to fully digest what they have to say to me. This may be a topic that I should not be writing about. As I sit here trying to gather my thoughts, my train of thought on the subject is gone. Is it possible that I am not supposed to share my experience in this format? Am I not supposed to share it at all? Or is it that I am trying to share it before I fully understand it myself? I guess that I will leave the subject for another day. All I can think to say about it at this time is that I am learning things about myself that I really do not want to address. It is not a pleasant experience. However, I know that it is something that I must deal with or my eternal progression could remain stalled right where I am for a long time to come. I get the feeling that I have reached a point in my life where I either have to face and overcome some of my Goliaths, or I will forever be damned by them. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about any serious misdeed or sin. I am talking about some of my personal character flaws that are preventing me from moving any further forward than I am right now. They are "holding me back".

Switching gears a little bit, I found when I got into my truck this afternoon that there were some things missing. I left my truck unlocked over the weekend, mistake I know, and found today that there were some items missing. Nothing that amounts to any significant amount of money. A USB thumb drive, a calculator, and a cable to plug my MP3 player into my stereo. The kind of stuff that kids would take. What has the world come to? Why would someone steal such items? Actually there was other stuff in my truck that was not taken. Is the $40 or $50 dollars worth of stuff taken worth it? How often are any of us taking a little something here, or something else there? Would these items have been taken if the person taking them would have stopped and thought about the eternal consequences of their actions? How often do we all do things that if we really stopped to think about it, we would think twice about it. Barb has been reading some books that talk about self betrayal, and what that self betrayal causes us to do. I read one of them; reading it is part of what caused me to realize some of what I am discovering about myself the last little while. I have not been brave enough to read the other one. Barb said that there has been more than once that she wanted to throw the book across the room. Knowing myself, I might actually throw it! I am going to have to read the book, I'm not looking forward to it.

Reflections

Have you ever had a time in your life where you are shown all of your weakness, insecurities, short comings and faults? If there were ever a time that I have experienced this, it is right now. In the last 6 weeks or so I have had many of my less desirable qualities brought to my attention. No it is not a pleasant experience. The hard part of it all is that it still happening. The last 2 days have been especially hard. I feel as if I am being humbled into the dirt right now. In the process I am learning a lot about myself that I don't really want to think about.
I am not making a lot of sense, partly because I do not have the time to explain all that I have been going through. Last Monday was one of the biggest discoveries for me. A reference in my patriarchal blessing about being a leader in the community and in the church is a monumental stumbling block for me. I realized on Monday that it has made me critical of a lot of people that I should not be criticising. It has also caused me to be judgmental, in that I think that my way would be better. This applies everywhere, work, family, friends, community, church, and many other situations. It is an ugly discovery to have about ones self.
Yesterday I actually sat down and figured out on paper some not so nice things about my job. It threw me into a depression about work that I am not sure that I will recover from. Long story short, I would be making twice as much money if I would have continued working as a mechanic. I realized yesterday that the 7 years of college to get my degree was a waste of time and money as far as my current employment goes. The mechanic who works "for" me makes twice as much as I do, and he has a company truck to drive around that he doesn't have to spend one dime of his own money on. Again, it was an ugly realization.
Okay, I am going to stop now. I have no intention of delving any deeper into this subject in a blog, so enough of the sour grapes.

It is Friday!

It has been a crazy week! I am glad that it is finally Friday, and Hoopla! We look forward to Hoopla at our house, maybe I should explain. On Friday we watch movies, eat junk food, pop corn, candy etc., and stay up way too late. It is something our family looks forward to each week. It is our time to unwind and relax. It is also a nice change from the business of the week.
I am glad that pack meeting is over. Pack meeting was causing me a great deal of stress. We had a b-day party with the Peterson side of the family right in the middle of it. I had to leave the party, go do pack meeting, and then come back to the party. Thursday was just busy. Jacob had a game right before pack meeting and the party as well. Unfortunately they lost. They had 2 good opportunities to score, one they got stopped at the 1 yard line as time expired in the half, the other they had a play that put them first and goal called back for holding. It was a heart breaker.
I have been trying to get to the temple all week. I tried on Tuesday and Thursday, I was in my suit and ended up not being able to go. I did finally make it this morning. Barb and I are called temple patrons. We have been going together once a week since the first part of the year. Just recently Barb and I have decided to step it up a notch and go another time each week on our own and do initiatory. Since we have decided that we would go an additional time each week there has been a great deal of opposition. The first couple of times for me it was easy, now it seems to get harder to make the time each week. This week has been by far the worst, I am glad I was able to go. I have noticed that it makes a big difference in the way my week goes.
It is Swiss Days in Santa Clara, tomorrow morning is the Swiss Days parade. I will be using dad's tractor to pull a trailer with hay on it in the parade. I think that this will be the first Swiss Day parade that I have been to. Defiantly the first one that I have been in. There may have been another one when the kids were smaller, can't remember.
Good news today, one of Worldwide's customers got a big job in my area that should last through the winter. Work has been incredibly slow throughout the summer, which is normally our busy time. Things have been picking up a little bit the last month or so, but this job starting next month will be a big boost for me. It will help get me through the next few months.
I have been able to catch up to some old friends through my Facebook page. I have always heard about Facebook, Youtube, blogs, and others, but I have never got involved with them. Now that I am getting familiar with them I really like them. It has been a lot of fun, I have especially liked being able to share some of the digital pictures that I have that I will never print off. Barb and I have wondered what to do with a lot of them, many are not good enough to print and would turn out grainy. The internet is a cool thing.
It is funny, I think of all sorts of things to write about during the day and throughout the week, but when I sit down to write my thoughts down I can't think of anything I was going to write down. In the end I start babbling on about random stuff that makes no sense at all. That is why I stopped writing in my journal. Poor excuse I know, but that is why. When I look back at what I wrote I wonder why I wrote it, and who would ever want to read it. At least with this blog I don't waste paper, aaahhh am I doing something green!
Barb has started our family on the recycling thing again. Our county is doing a big push and started a recycling program. It is like it was when we moved to Cache Valley, we save the stuff out of the trash, keep it in the garage until it takes over and finally gets bad enough that I can't stand it any more and take it to a collection bin. Cache Valley finally gave everyone a trash can and started collecting it every other week with the garbage. I don't mind that kind of recycling, the saving it in the garage and having to haul it to a bin bugs me. Hopefully Washington county gets to the trash can pick it up at the curb stage soon.
I have started playing the guitar again, my fingers finally have callouses on them. I bought a couple of Johnny Cash CDs and it got me motivated again. I have even started to learn some old rock and roll stuff. Elvis and CCR mostly. They are enough like the old country (simple) that I have been able to learn some of them. I hope I get to a point someday where I can take lessons again. I would also like to start playing in a band again. I think that I learned more from playing with the band than from anything else. I would like to get into a band again. It has been nice to start playing again. It helps me to relax.
See what I mean? Babbling on and on like some kind of an idiot.

Happy birthday Rachel!

This morning for Rachel's birthday we had to deal with a "threat" at Lava Ridge Intermediate school. After taking Rachel to the school and talking to the people in the office and an officer that I am friends with I decided to let her stay home for the day. I wasn't as concerned about the nature of the threat, my personal feeling is that it was a hoax, as I was about how nervous and upset Rachel was. I decided it would be better to be safe than sorry, especially taking into consideration the differing opinions of the people in charge at the school.
Long story short, Rachel will be staying home for her birthday. That should go along well with the Cheesecake her mother allowed her to eat for breakfast! (I don't get to do that on my birthday!) I hope Rachel has a super happy birthday, and hopefully things at the school will calm down for tomorrow.
I can't believe that I now have 2 teenagers! I guess I am really getting old!

Killing time

Right now I am waiting until it is time to pick up Lydia from her soccer practice. It has given me some time to play with the blog to see how it is all going to work. I think that it will be separate enough from the Freiville blog, that I will give it a try for a day or 2. Hopefully it will all work out ok.

Not sure this is going to work

Barb suggested that I create my own blog to put my personal thoughts into. I guess she doesn't want her freinds to see what is going on in my head. Sometimes, I don't want to know what is going on in my head. I have found a problem with this plan however, since Freiville is set up on my jerry.frei@gmail.com account, when I created Jerry's blog, it attached to Freiville and they both show up. I can't decide if I should leave it, or should I create a new email account so I can have my own blog for my own twisted thoughts?